Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
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I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.