I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
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doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Do not steal food from the science building!