Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.