Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
You Might Also Like
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”