bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
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Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?