*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
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shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse