Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
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GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Don’t touch that.