I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
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I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin