If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.