When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)