I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
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If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.