Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
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What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.