The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
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I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”