*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.