Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
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If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
😬
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.