What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
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Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.