iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
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Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
This week’s mood.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
That took me a moment.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*