Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.