*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
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*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.