I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
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What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.