I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
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The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
January has been Januweary
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.