Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*