If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
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According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Not today. 😅
Labreador
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)