Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
cat vs inanimate object
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down