An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
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I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.