Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
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Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL