Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
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My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
wtf is an acronym
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes