[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
You Might Also Like
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules