Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
What my back needs
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.