*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
HELP 😭
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”