[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
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Everything reminds me of my ex
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.