6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
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*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
i was baptized in a car wash
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Geez man, take it easy.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.