Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
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This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.