Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Tell the colonel to bring it
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
liiiiiiiiike
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
(Gaming support cat.)
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me