“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader