Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
horrifying if literal: the electric slide