The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
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[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you