Netflix and awkward silence?
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Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014