For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
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A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Doggies just call it style.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked