The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
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I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,