last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
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How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
🤣😂
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.