ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
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*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped