Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
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before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.