me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
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I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Ion see the issue
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
No Google it does not
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.