TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
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“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.