like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
You Might Also Like
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?