Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
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Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I feel attacked.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
stand with me against insufficient seating
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic