My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
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I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.