Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
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Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me irl
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.