I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
You Might Also Like
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person